Grandma, I miss you

It's been years since I crocheted. And just as long since I knit. Once I got pregnant, I found I just couldn't do it any more. First of all, my hands can't take the repetitive motion of knitting... my fingers get very tired. Something about my finger joints changed permanently due to pregnancy. Crochet is a little better since much of the movement comes from the wrist. But the real problem is that I am multitasking too much already, and I can't keep track of where I am in a pattern. I used to be able to memorize a pattern's structure at the drop of a hat... but now that I am spread too thin it takes me much longer to incorporate the pattern into my mind. What used to be easy is now laborious, and I crochet and knit for pleasure, not to make myself miserable. So I have quite a yarn stash that is aging rather ungracefully in my garage.

I did crochet a shawl for my grandmother about three years ago. I am very glad I did it, even though I don't think she ever wore it. My grandmother passed away a year ago last December, and the gesture meant far more than the practicality of it.

In the last few weeks I've been bitten by the bug again. I learned to knit in graduate school, but I learned to crochet at my grandmother's knee when I was very young - I must have been around 6. I like the drape and stretch of knitted clothes, so I always considered crochet inferior which is why I learned to knit later in life. But there has been a real crochet renaissance as of late and the patterns have become increasingly sophisticated. Crochet is much more natural for me due to when I learned it, and I always feel like my grandmother is at my elbow when I am crocheting. I miss her terribly. So in these dark days of winter I have picked up the hook again and started a shawl for myself. My mother took the shawl I gave to my grandmother, so I must make myself one anew.

I am making myself the cover shawl from the Leisure Arts book Wonderful Wearable Wraps. Of course I am not crocheting to gauge because I can't be bothered figuring it out, and the wrap is done from the bottom up so it really doesn't matter. I am using cheap yarn, mostly because anything I'm really going to use must be machine washable these days - Lion Brand Wool-Ease in Oxford Grey. One skein will take you pretty far, which is nice. With the stash I've got, I don't really feel comfortable spending a fortune on a "break the ice" project like this.

After years of avoiding the place I signed up for Ravelry. But I'm not wet behind the ears. I'll be lucky if I finish the shawl, and even luckier if I start and finish anything else having to do with yarn in 2012. I've finally made my peace with half-finished projects and unrealized aspirations. I get enough other things done in my "real life" that I can let myself pretend for a little while that I will actually complete a yarn project. And I won't beat myself up too badly if I don't. I've gotten here (after decades of self-flagellation) not through being wonderfully insightful and grounded or even through good quality therapy, but via the realization that if I don't adopt this attitude, I cannot have my grandmother at my elbow any more.